Harry Potter: Hero or Hothead?
by a little erratic
Summary: A wrestling ring in the Great Hall? People randomly dying and returning? Malfoy obsessed with lip gloss? And WHO is Chauncy? These questions and confusion shalt all be cleared up. All you have to do is click the little blue words above this summary. DO IT
1. The Battle Itself

**A/N:** This is not my first attempt at FanFic. And it's not a genuine attempt at FanFic either. It's meant to be a parody, so remember that before you begin to flame the crap out of my story. It's a oneshot, which coming from me, most likely means it's a piece o' crap. I would like to thank **Mistress of Craziness** for the inspiration for this story. Check out her Dramione Cliche story. Oh, how funny.

The Houses were all sitting down to breakfast of scones and jam. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were sitting quietly at the Gryffindor table. Ron was stuffing his face full of scone and drinking the jam as a beverage while Hermione and Harry marveled at how much their friend could eat. Hermione scowled and said,

"Ron, that really is quite disgusting, and if we're going to get married and have two kids someday, you're going to need to be less of a nauseating git and more of a fatherly, sensitive-"

"Who says we're going to get married?" Ron demanded.

Hermione got out one of her many books, a green one with a yellow spine. She flipped to page 756 and pointed at a section for Ron to read.

"Aw, man! I thought I ended up with Fleur!" He moaned.

"Fleur ends up with your brother!"

"What happens to me?" Harry asked eagerly.

"You die and come back to life."

"That's dumb. Who thought of that?"

"J.K. Rowling," Hermione disgustedly, "Honestly, it's as if she thinks she owns us or something!" (**Disclaimer**: She DOES.)

Harry and Ron grumbled in agreement.

"Attention, please!" Dumbledore said loudly. He was still alive, simply because I said so. "There has been an official decision made at last."

The entire hall sat on the edge of their seats, which was quite unfortunate because several people fell _off _the edge of their seats and had to be escorted from the hall whining about their bruised bums. After that fiasco was sorted out, Dumbledore continued,

"The decision is . . . Gryffindor is the best House. Those belonging to Gryffindor shall be treated as royalty, and the rest of you shall serve them like the scum that you are."

A great uproar rose from the angry students as crowns were passed out to the Gryffindor students. Cedric Diggory, who was of course also alive, got up onto the Hufflepuff table and began to yell at Dumbledore,

"Hufflepuff may not be anything special, but we refuse to bow down to the stupid Gryffindors! They've never done anything that great either!"

A few timid Hufflepuffs offered their views on that statement:

"Well, Potter _did_ rescue the Sorcerer's Stone."

"And he, like, found the Chamber of Secrets and stuff."

"Nah, I'm pretty sure Chuck Norris did that."

"Plus, that one smart girl he hangs out with is really foxy."

"WHO SAID THAT?" Cedric demanded. The Hufflepuffs were silent.

"You'll bow down, and you'll like it!" Harry yelled from the Gryffindor table. He was wearing the biggest crown of all.

"I will not!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"No way!"

"Wanna bet?"

"BOYS!" Cho Chang jumped up on the Ravenclaw table and scowled at her two fighting ex-boyfriends, who immediately began to drool at her beauty. "I am gorgeous _and_ ethnic! Plus my House is smarter than both of yours put together! If anyone deserves to be bowed down to, it's-"

"Me!" Draco Malfoy jumped up on his table and smirked, "I am the all-powerful-"

Someone hit him in the head with a cup of pumpkin juice. He growled in fury as the whole hall laughed at pointed at him, even though in real life, people just laugh - they never point.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Draco killed a random first year out of anger and embarrassment.

"CHAUNCY! NOOOO!" One of the random first year's friends began to sob.

"Suck it up," Draco scoffed. Chauncy's friend silently vowed revenge, but since he had such a short attention span, his revengeful plot was forgotten when someone offered him a slice of cake ("Ooh! CAKE!").

"STUDENTS! PLEASE!" McGonagall stood up and held her heart in shock.

"Now, now, Minerva. This could actually be quite entertaining," Dumbledore said before turning his attention to the students and saying, "All those in favor of having a Battle of the Houses, yell your favorite color!"

The Hall was filled with the deafening roar of students yelling their favorite colors.

"Excellent!" Dumbledore waved his wand and the House tables were replaced with a giant wrestling ring. Harry, Malfoy, Cedric and Cho were in it, while the other students watched on the sidelines. Each corner was a different color with a different animal on it. Red with a lion, blue with an eagle, green with a snake, and yellow with a badger. In the middle on a stool sat the Sorting Hat.

"Fighters! Choose five people to accompany you!" the Hat yelled.

Harry chose Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Fred's ear, and Neville. Cho chose Luna, and several other people who shall remain nameless because they are not important. Draco picked Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Zabini, and Millicent Bulstrode (who was fat and smelled like cat pee.) Cedric Diggory had a harder time picking, since none of the Hufflepuffs were really anything special. In the end he chose Hannah Abbot, Ernie Macmillian, and Zacharias Smith, along with a few other nameless, faceless people who don't deserve to be mentioned.

"Now, reach in the hat and get your weapons!" The Hat commanded.

Harry strutted up to the hat and pulled out the sword of Gryffindor, of course. Cho rolled her eyes at his pompous manner as she pulled out a long metal-

"_Bookmark_?!"

"A really _sharp_ bookmark," the hat corrected. Cho went off looking throughly disappointed.

Cedric was next, he reached in and came out with a dull spreading knife with a badger and Helga Hufflepuff's famous last words ("Don't hurt me!!!") engraved on it.

"Aww, man!" he whined.

Malfoy was last, he put his hand in the hat and came out with a dead snake on a stick.

"A dead snake on a stick?" Malfoy glared at the Hat.

"Well, it's been a long time since I remembered to feed the snake. At least you can hit people with the stick," the Hat sounded apologetic.

Dumbledore had somehow changed into black and white striped robes and was standing in the middle of the ring like a referee,

"Ok, folks, I want a good clean fight, but there are people standing by to dispose of any dead bodies that may or may not arise."

A sweet little blonde girl raised her hand and innocently twirled her pigtail with a finger.

"Yes, Emma?" Dumbledore smiled at her. Emma looked down and asked quietly,

"If we on the sidelines have weapons can we cut the opponents ankles and stuff?" She flipped open a Hello Kitty pocketknife and smiled sweetly.

"Of course! There are no rules that make any sense in this fight!" Professor Dumbledore patted her head.

As soon as Dumbledore left the ring, a bell sounded and the House Warriors in the ring yelled threateningly, but no one moved. Cedric was still whining about his pathetic weapon. Cho had a team of primping girls hairspraying her hair so it wouldn't get messed up during the battle.

Harry and Hermione and Ron were showing Neville the amazing book that told all of their futures.

"So, I seriously chop off a snake's head?" Neville looked positively terrified at the thought.

"You sure do, mate," Harry clapped Nev-Nev on the back.

Malfoy had his snake on a stick raised above his head and was still yelling.

"FIGHT ALREADY!" Someone yelled impatiently. The warriors looked at each other and shrugged. With a great roar, they attacked.

Neville immediately grabbed Malfoy's snake-on-a-stick and bit its head off.

"I need to practice if I'm going to kill Nalinarah!" He laughed and spun the body of the snake around, drenching the onlookers in blood.

"THE SNAKE IS _NAGINI_ ! NOT WHATEVER YOU JUST SAID!" Harry corrected him, rolling his eyes. Malfoy started crying because he didn't have a weapon and Cho was coming after him with her really sharp bookmark. Just then, Cedric leapt up and started snogging Cho. They fell out of the ring and onto the ground.

Neville had gotten snake blood in his eye, so he was sitting on the ground sobbing. Hermione and Ron were discussing what to name their future children ("Ron, it says RIGHT THERE that we're supposed to name them Rose and Hugo!" "I know Hermione, but I think that Optimus and Cookie are better!") Ginny had long since lost interest in the short-lived battle, so she was flirting with some hot guy by the sidelines. Fred's ear lay motionless, wondering why it was chosen to be a warrior in an epic battle. Eventually, the ear just hopped off the ring so it would be out of the way and was eaten by the fat and stinky Millicent Bulstrode. So Harry was alone.

And also, something random and unfortunate happened to everyone else except Malfoy. Harry's injuries were minimal. He had gotten poked with Cedric's butter knife, which hurt a little. Malfoy was in much worse shape. Emma had repeated cut his ankles with her bloody Hello Kitty pocketknife, which she was now polishing while whistling a Hannah Montana song, and Cho had nicked him with her razor-blade bookmark.

"Well, well, well, Potter," Malfoy sneered, because that what Malfoy does. He sneers. A lot.

"Here we are, Malfoy. Just you and me. Can't hide behind your mates now, can you?" Harry growled, which was very OOC, because when has Harry ever growled? I mean, sure he's been angry and angst-filled, but he has NEVER growled at anyone. UNTIL NOW!

"I always knew it would come down to this, Potter," Malfoy sneered some more, "And if anyone thinks that we're suddenly going to snog like in all the other fics where we secretly love each other, they are WRONG!" (**A/N**: Sorry, I don't groove on the gay thing.)

The audience around the ring grew bored with the snappy banter, and began to braid each other's hair and gossip.

"What shall I do with you, Malfoy?" Harry stroked his sword, accidentally cutting himself with the blade. Smooth, Harry. It's a SWORD. It's SHARP! He continued with tears in his eyes from his cut, "Shall I just cut your hands and feet off first? Or would you rather I just got in over with?"

"You think you're going to kill me, Potter?" Malfoy snerred (**A/N**: The author was getting sick of Malfoy sneering, so he now snerrs. It's like a sneer, but stupider).

"Yes Malfoy, I do. You've been a thorn in my side for too long, I say, TOO LONG!" Harry extended the sword for a dramatic effect, but didn't even touch Malfoy with it.

"Your mum's such a Mudblood that she drives an automobile!" Malfoy snerred. Harry lowered the sword, realizing what Malfoy was starting.

"Your mum is so fat, that a regular broom wouldn't carry her - she had to ride a Swiffer!"

The crowd booed at Harry's lame attempt at insulting Malfoy. The Slytherins all snerred, because they knew that Malfoy was going to win and Slytherin would be the best house!

"Ha, Potter! Ha! I laugh at your pathetic-" Malfoy stopped and gasped suddenly before toppling over slowly. There was a short butter knife's hilt sticking out of his back and a small boy looking triumphant and vengeful standing behind him.

"THAT ONE WAS FOR CHAUNCY!" The boy cried, punching the air with his fist. Harry went over to finish the boy and win Gryffindor's rightful place as best House, but the boy growled (that was not OOC, though, because Chauncy's Friend was a violent and growling person) and ripped the knife out of Malfoy's back. Harry tried to run, but he was no match for Chauncy's Friend. Soon Harry was also dead.

Professor Dumbledore smiled at Chauncy's Friend and said happily, "Well done, young man! Now, what house are you in?"

Before Chauncy's Friend could answer, he was swallowed be a mass of Slytherins and Gryffindors avenging Harry and Draco's deaths. When the crowd cleared, there was nothing left of Chauncy's Friend but an ear, which immediately took Fred's Ear's place on the Warrior Squad.

Dumbledore chuckled, "I suppose we'll never know-"

"He was in Hufflepuff!" Professor Sprout bustled over and showed Chauncy's Friend's registration sheet to Dumbledore.

"And, in a stunning turn of events, Hufflepuff is the best house!" Dumbledore declared. Unfortunately, that night something random happened to the Hufflepuffs and they were never heard from again. Oh, well. It's not like anyone's going to miss them or anything.


	2. Lies Coated in Lip Gloss

"We must find Cedric!" Cho was bawling her eyes out, naturally. Harry (who had been miraculously revived from his death) attempted to comfort her, but he was too busy noticing how hot and ethnic she looked when her mascara was running down her cheeks.

"It's no use!" Hermione insisted. She pointed below this sentence to a flashback.

_(Flashback)_

_That night something random and unfortunate happened to the Hufflepuffs and they were __**never heard from again.**_

_(End of Flashback)_

"Harry," Cho turned to him, "you have a saving people thing! SAVE CEDRIC! It doesn't matter what that silly know-it-all Hermione says, I _know_ you can find him for me." She made a pouty face.

"Yeah, Hermione! What the bugger are you thinking?" Ron shoved his future wife off to the side in his hurry to get to Cho, "Just because the author has basically made it impossible to even THINK that we'll find the Hufflepuffs doesn't mean we won't!"

"Draco!" Hermione yelled. Draco was dead, of course. She waved her wand and he jumped up, as good as new. (**A/N**: BECAUSE I SAID SO!) "Draco, the only time anyone pays any attention to me is when I'm the slutty Hermione who is passionately in love with you. So, pucker up!" She mashed her face against Draco's, which was really not at all romantic or slutty, it was just kind of awkward for everyone involved.

"Uh, Hermione? Aren't we supposed to get married? Shouldn't you be kissing _me_?" Ron asked, annoyed.

"Forget them! We need to find Cedric!" Cho started bawling again, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE GORGEOUS AND ETHIC WITHOUT A HOT GUY TO TELL ME HOW GORGEOUS AND ETHNIC I AM?!"

"You're gorgeous and ethnic!" Every boy in the Hall cried.

"NOT HOT ENOUGH!" Cho wailed.

"Don't worry! We'll find them!" Harry patted her shoulder, "But where shall we look first?"

Dumbledore jumped out of his chair where he'd been casually telling Professor McGonagall that he was gay and yelped, "VOLDEMORT'S GREAT AUNT BETTY'S HOUSE!"

Half of the hall screamed and fainted. Neville had a seizure and was foaming from the mouth. All because Dumbledore said the name.

"Is that a new wizard swear?" Harry asked.

"NO! It's where you should start looking! Voldemort-" (fainting, seizures, bloodcurdling screams at the name, etc.) "-hides things places where he has previous attachments. If Voldemort loves anyone, it's his Aunt Betty, and Voldemort probably took the Hufflepuffs because he's a BAD PERSON!"

Harry raised a fist into the air and yelled, "TO AUNT BETTY'S!"

"TO AUNT BETTY'S!" the students echoed.

-:-

Imagine this, a dark London street, cloudy sky, lightning bolts, crows, black cats, evil ponies, whistling winds, and a small army of Hogwarts students wielding torches while marching down in straight rows.

"Why are we even looking for the Hufflepuffs anyway?" A small girl asked the boy next to her.

"Because Cho wants to!"

"What difference does that make?"

"Harry wants to do what Cho wants to do!"

"What difference does_ that_ make?"

"HARRY POTTER IS GOD!"

"I see."

Malfoy was snerring at Hermione because he liked the taste of her lip gloss when she kissed him awkwardly back a few paragraphs ago, but when he had asked to borrow some she didn't let him.

"Please, Granger? Please can I just _smell _your lip gloss?"

"MALFOY! FOR THE LAST TIME, _NO_ ! NOW STOP ANNOYING ME OR I'LL KISS YOU AGAIN!"

"Promise?" Malfoy snerred. Hermione rolled her eyes and mumbled,

"_Holeis Appearo_."

Bad Deal A hole appeared in front of Malfoy and he fell in.

Good Deal: He landed in a secret underground lip gloss factory where he was immediately showered with free lip glosses that tasted even better than stupid selfish Hermione's.

Although, the good deal/bad deals could probably be reversed depending on your feelings about Malfoy.

Even though, considering the author's past dealings with disappearances, the Gryffindors and Ravenclaws knew that Malfoy would soon randomly show up again, they basked in his momentary absence for the time being.

"Are we there yet?" Ron asked Harry.

"No, Ronald."

"Now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"Harry!" Cho whined, clinging to his arm, "Make him shut up!"

"Aw, Cho, he's my best mate," Harry said defensively.

"Harry, if you don't make him shut up, I will tell everyone that you have a tattoo of Malfoy on your-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry killed Ron. "There, see? He shut up."

"A simple Silencing Charm would have been just as good, but oh, well!" Cho brightened a bit, but she was still crying. Because Cho is ALWAYS crying. Hear me? ALWAYS.

"HARRY, YOU KILLED MY FIANCEE!" Hermione screeched, pointing at Ron's fat and dead (for now) body.

"YOU KILLED MALFOY!" Harry retorted.

"He's not dead, he's in an underground lip gloss factory," Hermione sighed. All those glosses wasted on a nancy boy.

"Wait, there's an underground lip gloss factory in London?!" Harry dropped to his knees and began to dig. Cho picked him up by the scruff of his robes and hissed,

"Help me find Cedric _now_. You can get new lip gloss _later._"

Harry obliged, but pouted all the way to Aunt Betty's house.

They got to her ugly pee-colored house that smelled of cats and vitamins and halted the army. Harry, being cocky and arrogant, marched right up to her door and pounded on it.

"Oi! Betty! Open up!"

Lightning flashed across the sky as she opened the door.

"Who dares visit my home?" Betty asked. The army was surprised by her appearance. She didn't look like a batty old woman. She looked like a lanky teenage boy with some slight acne and gray hair that winged at the ends and needed to be combed in a flowered nightgown and old lady glasses.

"You aren't Aunt Betty! You look nothing like You-Know-Who!" Someone yelled. Betty rolled his/her eyes and waved his/her wand,

"_Crucio_."

The Someone screamed in agony, "OK! OK! YOU'RE BETTY! YOU'RE BETTY!"

He/She-

"I'm a WOMAN, con-flabbit!" Betty yelled at the author.

_**A/N: **__Well, ex-CUSE ME for thinking that you're a boy when you look just like my friend Spenser! WHO IS A BOY!_

Anyway, back on track. To prove that she really WAS related to Voldie, Betty did an evil routine including hissing, breathing fire, and cackling evilly.

When she was finished some retarded Slytherins applauded. Betty blushed before remembering that she was evil, "Now begone, foul urchins!"

"NO! We're here for the Hufflepuffs! So . . . fork them over, granny!" Harry held out his hand as if expecting her to just plop a few dozen Hufflepuffs into it. Which would have been quite nearly impossible, and would have definitely broken Harry's precious little fingers.

"The Hufflepuffs?" Betty cackled. "The _Hufflepuffs?!_ Why are you even looking for them? It's not like they even matter! What good has a Hufflepuff ever done, eh? Won the title of _'Fattest Kid at Hogwarts'_? Or _'Average-est Kid at Hogwarts?' _Whose idea was it to find the _Hufflepuffs?"_

Everyone pointed to Cho, who was, of COURSE...crying.

"YOU!" Betty waved her wand and Cho had feathers and a beak and was in a bird cage, "My Chinese Walla bird Rex died yesterday. You remind me of him. You're both gorgeous and ethnic . . . and STUPID! Therefore, you are my new bird. Now, ASK ME FOR A CRACKER!" Betty demanded.

"May I have a cracker?" Cho whimpered.

"NO!" Betty laughed deviously and bewitched Cho the Bird to float into the house before slamming the door on the rest of the students.

Then they just stood there. Hannah Nelson heard a cricket chirping in the distance. Jimmy Margot noticed that there was a slight breeze rustling the leaves. Chauncy's Friend's Ear thought he saw an ant scurrying through the grass. Gravity remained in effect. There was 30 relative humidity in the air. It was a waning gibbous moon out that night . . .

"Now what?"

Harry perked up at the sound of Someone's whining voice.

"Well, Someone, I suppose we need to find the Hufflepuffs so that Cedric can rescue Cho and be the knight in shining armor that she always wanted, and then we can go back to school and Cho and I can start dating."

Hermione got out her book and was about to show Harry that he didn't even end up with Cho anyway, but she thought better of it and just reapplied her lip gloss, wondering how Malfoy was doing.

"But Harry, wouldn't letting Ced rescue Cho just push you further out of his way?"

"Someone, you seriously need to stop talking. You have no idea what you're even saying. Now, LET'S GO GET THE HUFFLEPUFFS!"

Harry began sprinting in a random direction leaving the rest of the group to shuffle and grumble their way after him.

When they caught up with Harry, he was yelling words down into a well.

"MALFOY! DO THEY HAVE STRAWBERRY FLAVORED GLOSS WITH SPARKLES?"

"Yeah, but that's not the point, Potter! The Hufflepuffs are down here! I found them!"

"JOLLY GOOD! SEND THEM UP!" Harry yelled, excited.

"Er, ah, um, NO!" Malfoy said, "You need to come get them DOWN HERE!"

"Of COURSE!" Harry smacked his forehead, "What was I thinking?"

Someone tugged on Harry's robes, "Uh, Harry, why can't they just use their wands to get up here and-"

"SOMEONE! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP A LONG TIME AGO! WE ARE GOING DOWN THAT WELL IF I HAVE TO THROW YOU ALL DOWN THERE MYSELF!" Then Harry yelled a whole bunch of random sounds and words and stuff and ran around in a circle like a crazy person. Someone jumped headfirst down the well just to get out of the crazy man's way.

"Someone always was a coward," one of Someone's classmates shook their head in shame.

"Who's next?" Harry asked threatningly.

((Several hysterical fits later))

"Golly!"

"Blimey!"

"Marco!"

"POLO!"

"It's the world's biggest lip gloss factory," Malfoy said, gesturing to the wonderland of glitter from where he sat on a lip gloss throne. Tiny house elves were running around offering trays laden with the most decadent and colorful arrays of lip glosses that the students had ever seen.

"Hooray!" Someone yelled. Harry punched him in the face for sounding so lame.

"Let that be a lesson to you!" Harry pointed a finger threateningly at Someone and snerred.

(Dramatic pause intended here.)

. . . la dee dah dee dah . . .

(Please end dramatic pause. Thank you for your cooperation.)

"POTTER! Did you just snerr? YOU cannot snerr! It is only I who may snerr!" Malfoy whipped out his wand and reapplied some Blueberry Shimmer gloss.

"MALFOY! I would engage you in snappy banter again, but I need to rescue the Hufflepuffs!" Harry _sneered_. Notice: he did not snerr. He SNEERED. Big difference. Seriously.

"The _Hufflepuffs?!"_ Malfoy laughed maniacally, "The _Hufflepuffs? _Stupid Potter! You think you can actually RESCUE them?"

"You said you had them here!" Someone said.

Malfoy killed Someone with a flick of his wand. (**A/N: **Someone is definitely not coming back. I'm sorry for all you Someone-loving readers, but he had to go for the sake of the plot. Ok, not really, but seriously. He's gone forever.)

"I, for once, agree with that twit!" Harry pointed to Someone's dead body, "You told me that they were here!"

"Oh, they are here. Trapped in a vault! Much like you soon will be!" Malfoy snapped his fingers and the hole that the students had jumped down closed.

"WAY TO GO, POTTER!" Chauncy's Friend's Ear said acidly. It had learned to talk! YAY FOR CHAUNCY'S FRIEND'S EAR!


	3. Harry Uses his Head

**A/N: This is sort of a tribute to some of the good YouTube videos I've seen: Charlie the Unicorn, and Bothering Snape. I'm sure most of you have seen both of them, but if not I encourage you to watch them. Ooh, how hilarious. **

**Disclaimer: **Just in case J.K. Rowling decides to like sue me or something, I DON'T OWN THEM, JO! I'M JUST MAKING FUN OF EVERYTHING YOU WORKED FOR AND THE CHARACTERS THAT MADE YOU MILLIONS! LOVE YA! Oh, and I don't own Charlie or the unicorns either. Just so you know.

Harry and company were all inside a lip gloss vault. Inside the vault were the stinkiest, smelliest, nastiest, grossest (I think you get the point) glosses that had ever been invented. They were to lip gloss as Sanjaya was to American Idol: weird, funky, stinky, and undeserving.

Cho and Cedric had their reunion in the corner where they were snogging.

"Aww," Harry said fondly, "Cho is going to absolutely love me for bringing her back to the man she loves who isn't me!"

Hermione looked at him with a confused expression, "Harry, Cho isn't going to love you for getting us all doomed!"

"YOU'LL PAY FOR RUINING THIS GOLDEN MOMENT! SECTUMSEMPRA!" Harry yelled. Blood spurted from Hermione's chest.

"DAMN! That was my favorite sweater!" Hermione whined as half of her organs began to fall out of her and soaked her favorite pink sweater, "I'll, like, totally have to get a new one when we go shopping later, Ron."

By the way, Hermione had brought Ron's dead body along to the factory and was having discussions with it because she didn't want to be alone with Crazy Harry. I can't say I blame the poor girl. Harry really is on drugs. Or just insane. Or stupid. Or a combination of the three.

"How are we supposed to get out of here?"Cho whined, she and Cedric had run out of saliva while snogging, which made them both cranky.

"Never fear, Cho! I shall rescue us all and then you'll fall in love with me!" Harry got down on one knee and attempted to kiss her hand. Somehow he ended up kissing Cedric's hand, which was very odd indeed.

"It's a good thing I brought THIS!" Harry whipped out a Remembrall.

"Why did you jack my Remembrall, fool?" Neville asked. Harry shushed him,

"It's not YOUR Remembrall. It's **MY Remembrall 2000 Turbo Edition Fortune Predictor and Path Guider with Optional Languages, Rechargeable Batteries, an Installed iPod, and Color Choices including Blood Red, Blue Sparkle Dust, and Green Dragon Scale**," Harry said proudly.

"Wow," the awed students gawked at Harry's Remembrall 2000 Turbo Edition Fortune Predictor and Path Guider with Optional Languages, Rechargeable Batteries, an Installed iPod, and Color Choices including Blood Red, Blue Sparkle Dust.

"My **Remembrall 2000 Turbo Edition Fortune Predictor and Path Guider with Optional Languages, Rechargeable Batteries, an Installed iPod, and Color Choices including Blood Red, Blue Sparkle Dust, and Green Dragon Scale**, is Green Dragon Scale, because Cho's eyes are green." Harry blushed.

"My gorgeous and ethnic eyes are BROWN!" Cho yelled at him.

"BROWN is not a very gorgeous and ethnic color, now is it?" Hermione asked smugly. Cho slapped her. Then a nasty girl-fight broke out between Cho and Hermione and somehow everyone joined in and soon were all covered in stinky lip gloss, and Hermione's blood, since she was still bleeding from the Sectumsempra.

"WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!" Harry suddenly screamed. The fight froze. For once, Harry was making sense! "I am going to ask the (NOTE: I'm not copying and pasting anymore, so if you need a reference as to what Harry is using, please see the bolded letters above. Thank you, and have a wonderful day) what to do!"

The last hope there was for Harry's sanity vanished in a puff of smoke as he asked the (NOTE: See the other NOTE as to what to do) how they should get out of the vault,

"Great and powerful (NOTE: you know what to do), how are we going to get out of here?" Harry shook the (NOTE: I bet this is getting old, but seriously. You know what he's a-shakin') and waiting patiently for its answer.

"USE YOUR HEAD!" The ball of Green Dragon Scale-colored smoke commanded.

"You heard it! On the count of three everyone, ready? One . . . four . . . eight . . . five hundred thousand, eight hundred seventy-four . . . THREE!" Harry ran headfirst into the vault door and fell down. Everyone let out an "Ooooh." when they saw the dent he'd made with his hard head.

"That was a great start, everyone! If we just keep trying, we'll be out of here in no time!" Harry counted (badly) again and continued to ram headfirst into the door, while Cedric said some spells and a hole appeared in the ceiling along with a rope, which everyone except Harry stealthily climbed.

"Great job, Ced!"

"We're FREE!"

"My _hero_!"

"Neville, that sounded really gay."

"Yeah, Neville, how gay are you?"

"Well, guys, you gotta admit, Cedric is hot."

"I suppose you're right, Neville. He is one smoking hunk of man candy."

"I agree."

"BACK OFF BOYS! HE'S MINE!" Cho yelled, crying. (Remember what I said before? How Cho is ALWAYS crying? Just because it's a different chapter doesn't mean that she ever stops crying. Remember that. She is ALWAYS CRYING NO MATTER WHAT!)

"Right-o. Let's get going!" Cedric pointed the way and the group began to look for a way out. Suddenly they heard a faint chant,

"Intruder alert. Prisoners escaping. Intruder alert. Prisoners escaping."

They turned around slowly, for dramatic effect, and saw all of the Shiny-gloss House Elves (or as Malfoy fondly called them, the SHEs) were marching toward them in straight lines.

"We'll turn and fight!" Cedric said (and the inspirational music began playing in the background), "We'll show these little house-elves who's boss! Are you with me? We'll fight because that's who we are, where we're from, and what we're about! Because WE! ARE! _SPARTA_!" (End inspirational music.) Whoops. Wrong movie.

The crowd was silent. Ron (who had returned from the dead simply because the authoress missed him) piped up,

"Uh, all in favor of getting the (bleep) outta here?"

"AYE!" the crowd began shoving their way past each other to the emergency exit. Cedric, who was really buff and in shape, beat them all to the door and made it vanish. The crowd groaned.

"The only way we're going to get out of here is if we fight those scoundrels and win! Otherwise you'll go your whole life without knowing, what if? What if we just left these SHEs here? Imagine how lonely they would get! All they have for company is that retarded Malfoy! They probably just want a big HUG! That's all! Now, LET'S GO HUG THOSE LITTLE SHEs!"

Cedric ran forward with his arms spread out, "Come, my little friends!"

The house-elves devoured Cedric whole and turned on the other students, who ran as fast as their little legs could carry them, but the house elves were gaining!

Suddenly Harry's head-using paid off and he was free of the vault. The house-elves, sensing that he was weak and helpless, turned and started for him. Harry subsequently dropped dead of a mixture of shock, a major concussion, and serious confusion.

The other students got out the emergency exit and barred the door, "That was random and weird," they all agreed.

"Where to next?" A Random Person asked. Ron, deciding that he was now in charge, said,

"Well, A Random Person, I suppose we should go to the Candy Mountain and try to make some money selling kidneys on the black market. That's the only way we'll have enough funds to go back to school."

And so the students set off, whistling Hannah Montana songs.

((BACK AT HOGWARTS IN THE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE))

"Albus, the students are all missing!" McGonagall said frantically. Dumbledore shooed her,

"Minnie, you're being such a nervous-Nelly! Live it up, sweetie!" He had recently acquired a very gay lisp. Dressed in an Abercrombie polo and the tightest jeans he owned, Dumbledore was completely redoing the castle. It was now decorated in animal prints, with lots of stylish modern art pieces thrown in.

"Minnie, you're going to L-O-V-E what I've done with the school uniforms. Those silly robe things were so DRAB! I decided that the boys should wear tight jeans and polos, and hair gel is a MUST! The girls can wear anything they want, I don't care. This school is going to be ah-mazing!"

"Albus! The school will cease to exist unless we can find the children!" Professor McGonagall insisted. She felt very out-of-place in the cheetah-themed headmaster's office.

"Just you calm yourself down!" Albus insisted. He looked at his watch and grinned, "Minnie, do you know what time it is?"

McGonagall's eyes widened, "NO! Please, Albus! Be serious about this we don't have time for-"

"NAKED TIME!" Dumbledore waved his wand. His clothes disappeared and a disco ball lowered from the ceiling. He started to dance to the YMCA song. (Author's Note: In order to completely comprehend the NAKED TIME! Joke, you must visit and click on 'Bothering Snape'. Thank you!)

Professor McGonagall covered her eyes and ran screaming from the office. She hated Naked Time.

((BACK AT CANDY MOUNTAIN))

Ron was sitting in the Candy Mountain Cave mafia-style in a swivel chair, with his back to Blue and Pink, the unicorns that had requested an audience with him. He had his cat Plumpkins sitting in his lap and was stroking him. Hermione was dressed in a revealing red dress, sitting on the corner of his desk. Why is there a desk in the Candy Mountain Cave? I do not know, but it's there. Hermione whined,

"Ronnie, when are you gonna get me that pearl necklace? You promised, Ronnie!"

"Shut it, Toots," Ron swivelled around to face Blue and Pink, "So . . . yous two think you gots a . . . business deal for me, do ya?"

Blue nodded, "There's this guy Charlie. We want him gone." Pink piped up,

"Or at least we want him to be without a kidney!"

The other Hogwarts students were lined up against the walls as security. They had the same smug expression on their faces that Ron had on his. Ron petted Plumpkins some more before responding,

"So . . . yous two think I'll do this favor for ya? I bring yous here, I treat ya like family, and you do nothin' in return?"

Several of the security members cracked their knuckles, causing Blue and Pink to shiver in fear.

"No!" Pink squealed, "We're only asking because we know that you need the kidneys and we want Charlie to be in pain, so we were hoping that we could both get what we want!"

The security moved forward, but Ron held up a hand to stop them, "Your predicament intrigues me."

"He's been doin' his vocabulary homework!" Hermione said in her whiny voice, playing with Ron's hair affectionately. Ron slapped her hand away. Blue gulped,

"Look, Charlie thinks that we're just a couple of ditzy unicorns who like to annoy him. By playing those parts, we can get him right into this cave, and your security can do the rest."

"Ay Boss, I bet I can get my buddy Leo Plurodon to help 'em out. He's just been loungin' around this one edge of the forest. It'd make everything a whole lot more convincin'. And Hermione there can do some hocus-pocus and make those one letters on the sign sing," A Random Person said.

"A Random Person, that actually ain't a bad idea," Ron handed Plumpkins to Hermione and swivelled around, "Bring the guy here tomorrow morning. Early. Oh, and-uh, don't keep us waiting. We get cranky when we have to wait."

The unicorns kissed Ron's ring and departed.

((THAT MORNING. EARLY.))

"Boss, they ain't here yet." A Random Person said.

"Patience, A Random Person, patience. I'm sure our little friends will be here soon enough." Ron resumed his petting of Plumpkins. All the Hogwarts students were sitting inside the cave, waiting for the ambush.

"Cha-a-a-arlie! Ch-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-rlie! Go inside the Candy Mountain Cave, Cha-a-a-rli-e-e!"

They heard Pink say the cue for the letters begin to sing. 'Y' starting the song and the security got out their wands. As soon as they were done, Charlie said,

"Ok, fine, I'll go into the freakin' cave!" Charlie said. Ron pressed a button and the doors to the cave slid open.

"Good-BYE, Charlie!" Pink and Blue said in unison. Charlie made several confused sounds as the doors slid closed behind him.

"Passouticus Maximus!" A Random Person yelled. Charlie slumped to the floor.

After the 'procedure' was finished and Charlie was a uni-kidney unicorn, Pink and Blue entered the cave cautiously,

"Is he dead?" Blue asked. The security team cracked their knuckles menacingly.

"Of course he's not dead!" Hermione whined, "We never said we'd kill him! All we wanted was his kidney!"

"Shut it, Toots." Ron said through a cloud of his own cigar smoke, "Pinkie and da Blue, take 'im back to wherever he came from. We ain't got no more need for him here."

"B-B-But-"

A Random Person punched both of the unicorns in the face with one fist.

A/N: I have absolutely no idea when I'm going to post another chapter. Review, Toots!


	4. Chuck Norris LOVES Starbucks

**Maddiekinz would like you to know: **I'm in WAY over my head. I'm attempting to keep up THREE, count 'em, THREE stories!! Which means that updates are going to be VERY slow. Sorry!!

"Oh, MINNIE!!!" Dumbledore called from the kitchen. Professor McGonagall groaned and followed the sound of his voice. When she got to the kitchen, Dumbledore was dancing with a crowd of buff guys in leather pants.

"What on EARTH?! Albus! Where are the house-elves?"

"These ARE the house-elves!" Albus said excitedly, "Aren't they GORGEOUS? Those creepy little cretins didn't fit my new decor, so I got rid of them!"

Minerva shook her head, "They most certainly are NOT! Albus, this is a SCHOOL! And what have you done to the kitchen?"

She looked around and saw that the kitchen looked like Rachel Ray's.

"Isn't it cute?" Albus looked at the appliances with fondness, "Enrique is an interior designer, he completely redid the kitchen for me! I must say that the color scheme is fabulous."

"Albus, the children are still missing!" Minerva insisted. Dumbledore waved his hand,

"Oh, pish-posh, I know exactly where they are!" he insisted, dismissing the leather-clad 'house-elves', "My old college roomie Leo Plurodon called and said that they're selling kidneys on the black market to raise money to return to the school."

"Thank HEAVENS!" McGonagall said, clutching her heart, "Wait . . . kidneys? Black market?"

"Yep!" Albus flitted around, washing dishes in a floral ruffled apron, "Don't worry, they'll be back soon! Ugh, today has been absolute CRAZINESS! I totally need a mocha Frappuchino and my US Weekly. OMG!!! Minnie, we should do a SPA DAY! I know this great one that just opened in Hogsmeade. Let's go!"

"ALBUS!" Minerva stamped her foot, "I can no longer stand to watch you be such a stereotypical gay guy! Kiss me you fool!"

And so, by the power of the weird old-person love that Dumbledore and McGonagall shared, the house-elves returned, Enrique and the others vanished, the castle changed back to old and decrepit instead of hip and colorful, and Dumbledore dropped dead of shock.

"ALBUS!! NO!!!"

As McGonagall was weeping over the dead body of the former headmaster, Severus Snape walked in very dramatically.

"Turn to page three-hundred and ninety fo- I mean, I am Snape, the Potions master," he drawled ominously.

"Well, no DUH!" McGonagall rolled her eyes, "Severus, Albus is dead! I have to be the Headmistress now! I CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE!"

"Well, well, well," Severus snerred (YAY! It's the return of the SNERR!), "Then I suppose I shall have to . . . relieve you of your duties. _Avada Kedavra_!"

"You just killed McGonagall!" Dobby shouted, "You shall not hurt anyone anymore!" Then Dobby ran and attempted to plunge a fork into Snape's abdomen, but unfortunately there was a random banana peel on the ground and, well, Dobby fell down, go boom. Then he was dead. Sad.

((SOMEWHERE IN THE UNDERGROUND LIP GLOSS FACTORY))

"Master," one of the SHEs said reverently, "Master, the students escaped. Cedric Diggory and Harry Potter died in the struggle."

Malfoy sat at a CEO-style desk, playing absently with a tube of very shiny black lip gloss, "That's most unfortunate, Babs. I hope you have sent scouts out looking for them."

"Oh, yes, Master!"

Malfoy didn't dismiss Babs. Instead he dramatically considered the tube in his hands,

"Babs . . . do you know what this is?"

Babs looked at the tube for about twenty minutes. During which time, Malfoy got tired of waiting and killed Babs. He explained the tube to a very, very dead Babs,

"You see, dead Babs, this is the Elder Gloss. Whoever puts it on shall die a very slow and painful death. When Voldemort decided to be good and move to the Caribbean about five minutes ago, he left it in my possession." Malfoy squeezed some of the gloss onto his desk. Just the tiny drop sizzled and put a hole in the wood. Malfoy smiled in satisfaction, "CHUCK!"

Chuck Norris entered the room and doffed his cowboy hat, "How can I help you, Mr. Malfoy?"

Malfoy held out the Elder Gloss. Chuck Norris opened the cap and smelled it. That action would have made a lesser person pass out, but this was CHUCK NORRIS. Chuck Norris pwned that gloss, biznatch.

"This isn't a toy, you know," Chuck Norris said, recapping the Elder Gloss, "What am I supposed to do with it?"

Malfoy reached over and took the gloss from him, "I want you to find the Hogwarts students. Then I want you to dropkick them in the face. After they are all dropkicked, I want you to forcefully apply that lip gloss to their faces. As soon as they begin to die, I want you to laugh maniacally for about twenty-two seconds. Then you can go to Starbucks or whatever you want, I guess."

"Have you tried the new Chai lattes?" Chuck asked excitedly.

"OMG, no! But I was talking to Voldie down in the Caribbean and he told me that I absolutely HAD to try one. I was thinking about getting one this afternoon, actually."

"Maybe after I get done wiping out an entire school we can meet up and get a couple."

"That sounds awesome! Do you have my number?"

"Let me check," Chuck Norris got out his iPhone and started scrolling through his contacts, "OMG, did I tell you who randomly called me the other day?"

"No! Who?!"

"Hagrid!"

"Weird!"

"I know! I'm just like, 'Hello?' and he's all, 'Hey Chuck! How you been?' and I'm all, 'Hagrid, honey, I would love to talk right now, but I am totally swamped, I'll call you laterz.'"

"Did you ever call him back?"

"OMG, no! He is SUCH a chatterbox, and we've never really been buddy-buddy. I mean, he's a sweet guy and stuff but . . ."

"Ugh, I know exactly what you mean. Luna called me up the other day just to chat. I was in the middle of a HOSTAGE SITUATION! Its like, Luna, I love you to death, but I have a vault full of Hufflepuffs that need threatening."

"Some people . . ."

"Tell me about it."

"So . . . I do have your number, and I'm gonna go take care of that cluster of kids. I'll call you when I'm done and we can meet up at Starbucks."

"OK, have fun!"

"Buh-bye, Draco!"

((BACK AT THE CANDY MOUNTAIN CAVE))

"Ay, Boss," A Random Person said, "Why are we still in the Candy Mountain Cave?"

"Patience, A Random Person, patience." Ron stroked his new cat, Emperor Spike Magellan Fuzzums McGee. (A/N: His other cat was killed in Operation: Charlie's Kidney . . . or the authoress forgot its name and was too lazy to look it up. One or the other.)

"Ronnie! I wanna go home! Why don't we get to go home, huh? Why? WHY? WHY?" Hermione whined.

"Shut it, Toots. We're waitin' for Harry to get here," Ron handed Emperor Spike Magellan Fuzzums McGee to A Random Person, "Take 'im for a walk."

"Harry is dead!" Cho said, sobbing, "And so is Cedric! WAHHHHH!!!!"

"Shut it, Toots!" Ron commanded. (A/N: Is that getting old yet? Lemme know when t'is, okay?) "Haven't you learned anything yet? This authoress has the power to bring back the dead, which she uses at really random times! If my calculations are correct, Harry will be walking up to this cave right about . . . NOW!"

Everyone started in anticipation at the entrance to the cave. Harry wasn't there.

"Whoops," Ron blushed, "That's embarrassing. Well, let's get going!"

"WAIT!" Harry yelled. He somehow appeared in the entrance of the cave looking rushed but still very foxy (A/N: Thank you, Mistress of Craziness!!!).

"HARRY!" Hermione yelled, "How did you get so foxy?"

"The elves didn't kill me, they just gave me a make-over and extensive plastic surgery!"Harry explained, gesturing to his new butt implants and lipo-sucked belly.

"Huzzah!" All the girls cried.

"Back off, ladies! He's mine!" Hermione jumped into his arms, wedding style. Ron (who dropped the Godfather act) whined,

"Hermione your magic future J.K. Rowling book said that we get married! You can't snog my best friend!"

"Watch me!" Hermione said, snogging Harry, "Honestly, Ronald, you didn't notice when this changed from R/Hr to H/Hr?"

"WHY ARE YOU SAYING LETTERS? YOU KNOW I CAN'T SPELL!" Ron began to sob. Then Cho kung-fu'ed his !$# because sobbing was HER thing.

"Hello, children," Chuck Norris hissed from the entrance, right next to where Harry and Hermione were snogging. Well, he wasn't RIGHT next to them, he was about two inches farther back and maybe a foot and a half to the left.

"Everyone, stand back! He's going to dropkick us!" Harry warned, taking a protective stance in front of Cho and Hermione, who were fighting over him.

Chuck Norris was just about to dropkick Ron, when A Random Person yelled,

"WAIT! I challenge you to . . . a DANCE-OFF!" (A/N: That line is taken from my shortie-fic 10 Things You Shouldn't Say to Voldemort). Chuck Norris smiled. Everyone knew that he had killer moves . . . **literally**.

"I accept your challenge!" Chuck Norris spun around really fast and was suddenly in a gangsta outfit. Then the judges showed up: Voldemort, Chauncy's Friend's Ear, Dumbledore's friend Enrique, and Luna Lovegood.

A Random Person just stood there while Chuck Norris did his super-cool kickboxing-dance style. Several retarded Hufflepuffs died because, like I said, his moves were **killer**. (Get it?? It's a PUN! . . . sorta. Neways, moving on . . .) And now for the judge's scores"

Voldemort: "Sweetheart, that was really cute, but it lacked the SOUL I like to see in competitive dance competitions. I gave you a 9.2."

Chauncy's Friend's Ear: " . . ."

Enrique: "Voldie, I disagree. I thought it was really SPICY!! Ay, ay, ay! Call me, you stud! 9.8!

Luna: "There was no flow, man. It was all so intense. I wanted to see the softer side of Chuck Norris. I gave you an 8.9."

Ooh, let's hope that last one didn't ruin his overall score! Now let's see A Random Person dancing to a medley of 'Don't Wanna Miss a Thing', 'Fergalicious', 'La Vida Loca' and 'Complete Silence'!

A Random Person spoke, "Before I begin, everyone except Chuck Norris please put on your protective goggles. Thank you!"

A Random Person began to dance to 'Don't Wanna Miss a Thing', his moves exuded grace and tranquility that made all the onlookers cry. Without the goggles, they probably would have died from the awesomeness of it all. Even the great Chuck Norris began to twitch. Luna held up a '10'.

'Fergalicious' came on and he put all his heart and soul into that dance. He shook his junk and whipped his hair around. Chuck Norris's knees were growing weak. Voldie held up a '10'.

'La Vida Loca' had barely begun when Enrique held up an '11'.

"Enrique," Voldie said, "You know that there's only 10 possible points."

"I know, but he's just so SPICY!" Enrique fanned himself with his number '11'. Chuck Norris fell to the ground and started panting.

The music stopped, but A Random Person kept dancing. Chauncy's Friend's Ear simply said, "!!!!!" Which Voldie determined was a '10'.

Chuck Norris's eyes rolled back in his head and he stopped moving.

The entire cave erupted in cheers, "DING, DONG THE CHUCK IS DEAD! THE WICKED CHUCK, THE CHUCKY CHUCK CHUCK!"

"Actually the Chuck is just knocked out," A Random Person said, sadly, "I didn't have the heart to kill him."

The students all patted A Random Person on the back for being so merciful.

"Now, let's go back to school!"

((A FEW HOURS LATER, AT STARBUCKS))

"Hey Chuckie, my man!" Malfoy gave Chuck Norris a high five, "So, how dead are the Hogwarts kids, huh? Pretty dead?"

Chuck Norris sat down with his White Chocolate Frappuchino and shook his head, "Naw, man. They challenged me to a dance-off . . . a couple Hufflepuff kids died, but A Random Person knocked me out cold for almost 7.87612 minutes, and they got away."

"That sucks," Malfoy sighed, blowing on his Chai latte to cool it, "Oh, well, there's always another try, I guess."

"OMG, do you wanna know what else sucks?"

"What?"

"You know that one brand of jeans I like? The one with the gun holsters pre-attached?"

"Yeah! I love those!"

"Well, that one place that had them stopped stocking them!"

"OMG, no way!"

"WAY! Ugh, I was so P.O.'ed! Now I'm going to have to order them online."

"I HATE that! They're never the right size when you order online."

"Tell, me about it. So how's Pansy?"

"Ugh, don't even ask."

"OMG, what happened?"

"I don't even know. She's just so . . . needy. It's like, 'I KNOW it's our anniversary, but I PROMISED Voldie that we'd go see that new chick flick' and then she always gets SO ticked off! I think we're on the downhill slide."

"That's so sad. You two were really cute together."

"Yeah . . ."

**ABRUPT ENDING!**

**A/N: **Thanks for the read! Review!


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